Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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