So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
