i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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