omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
