I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
