How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I FOUND THE LEGS
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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