you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
