Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Alive.
So much puke
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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