Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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