There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
What a dumb baby whore.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
