Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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