gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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