You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i drank out of a bidet.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
