it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
