its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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