I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
