ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
