Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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