"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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