So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
