let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
