you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
