Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Blood and glitter go together right?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize