I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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