I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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