happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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