He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
