I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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