onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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