Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
