I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize