Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
