I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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