a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
