I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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