genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
