She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
