Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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