I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
