i permit you to call me
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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