Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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