My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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