There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
