I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
