im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
