my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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