i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
