I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
