God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
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