if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
