My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
