we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i think i just lost a toe
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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