I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
