I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
