I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
