my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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