What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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