I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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